Padd Solutions

I'm a little bit excited because I'm very near the point of utter desperation that will allow me to fix all of this.

(Before I go further, bookish readers might profit from the knowledge that I've just read Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilyich for the first time. So concerns about frittering away one's time on meaningless pursuits are on my mind.)

Up to this point I haven't been able to give myself fully to the work of getting better, as parts of me - in turns louder and quieter - have insisted that certain obstacles to wellness aren't obstacles at all. Bad habits, I'll call them. This part of me says "(xyz bad habit) is no bad habit at all and has nothing to do with your current predicament, so continue as before."

But like I said, I can see not too far off the day when frankly I'm just extremely tired of all this and I want it gone no matter the cost. I'll give up anything to be rid of this. It's almost here. I want to live.

Questions I am currently posing to this voice that says "stay the course:"

What intrinsic value does xyz have?
If I lived without doing xyz before, how or why might I not be able to live without it in the future?
Are there social pressures to stay the course? Am I embarassed to make a change?
Is it because staying the course is the path of least resistance, of least conflict?

This urging to keep going as I have has likely always been there. It's the voice of laziness, and to some degree, everybody probably has as similar voice floating through their heads when they make decisions. But over time this became so ingrained in me that I am now like water dribbling down a hill: I don't even have to think about the path of least resistance. I simply do it, as if it were law.

Well it isn't law, I'm starting to see. And unless a major current of human thought is wrong, I do have a choice. I want my memory back, my enjoyment back, my focus back, my drive back.